It’s been a long time since I last blogged, but that doesn’t mean things have been quiet here at Crystaloak. In 2014 I decided the push really hard with my healing work and try to get more clients. Having a full time job and running a household makes it difficult to fit client bookings in, throw in that I am actually really bad at marketing and things had drifted. I joined social media groups, amped up my postings on Facebook, and really tried to put myself out there. I even created a networking group for complementary therapists with the aim of serving the community by doing what I do well, bringing people together.
It started to work and clients started to come in, and that is where I hit a wall. I realised that I didn’t have the energy to work in a busy office and give clients the attention they needed, let alone plan and facilitate networking meetings. I recoiled into my cave to try and work out what the hell went wrong. Reading so many Facebook posts there were people out there apparently fitting so much into their lives. They were running courses, podcasts, webinars, writing books, and being amazing healers, and I got burnt out seeing 2 clients in a week.
What was wrong with me?
I also found that I didn’t fit in these circles; somehow I came away from these groups filled with self hate and envy of what others achieved. I started to think that I was somehow delusional thinking I could possibly offer healing to others. I felt cheated and lied to by the people that taught me and I felt a failure.
I admit, I gave up. This experience knocked the wind out of my sails. I could be the best healer in the world but if I didn’t have the energy to see clients what was the point? I also didn’t want to be like the “corporate” alpha type healers I saw in the industry. I would rather never see a client again than become that. I stopped blogging, stopped posting anything other than interesting memes and articles on my Facebook page and gave up on Twitter completely (I confess I’ve never really learnt how to use it anyway). I even stepped away from my faith and my beloved Kryon.
I spent a while just drifting not really sure what to do with myself. For some time I had been dabbling in personality theory, particularly learning about introversion, the concept of being highly sensitive, and MBTI. I was aware that introversion was the cause of me not being able to see many clients but this knowledge didn’t give me any tools to get past it. Slowly I came to realise that MBTI had a lot more to offer if I looked deeper and found the right resources.
This is where the drive to understand myself more deeply came into its own. For the time being my faith took a back seat and I voraciously absorbed what I could about the function stack of an INFJ and how I could use this deeper understanding to improve my life. My new journey had started.
Learning about the Myers Briggs system has taught me so much. From the initial feeling of coming home when I communicated with other INFJs to beginning to understand that I have spent a great chunk of my life using the wrong functions to get through I now had a tool I could work with. It showed me specifically why certain relationships are challenging and others a breeze. It taught me that when I felt low and wanted to hide from the world it was the last thing I needed to do. My eyes had been opened to a toolbox I had been missing for so long.
As part of this journey I realised I needed to do some deeper work and so went into counselling to heal some past trauma. When I went into this I didn’t know what the effects would be and I am pleased to say that a weight was lifted from my soul by going through that process.
Scrolling forward through a pretty rough winter with my SAD I find I have learnt a great deal about my inner workings. The problem is MBTI only covers certain facets of our whole and I knew there was more to learn. This brings me up to date and finds me dipping my toes into Enneagram, another personality typology system that helps us understand how we deal with the world, where our weaknesses are and what we can do to embrace and then work with them. My mind has been blown so many times learning about these theories.
A few months ago I was sitting pondering all of this, worried that all this psychology theory had taken me away from my faith. I mourned the loss of the connection and trust in my guides and felt yet again that I had failed. Understanding myself more was amazing, but at the loss of my connection to Spirit, was that a good trade? Then an old, loved, and familiar voice popped into my head, that of one of my guides. I was told that I hadn’t walked away from them, that I hadn’t lost my faith or failed at all. All this time they had been quietly leading me through a process of deeper understanding so that I could one day come back to my faith with more self love and understanding. The purpose of all of this is to come back to centre, to find my own worth and strengths rather than constantly trying to be those alpha type healers that I really didn’t fit with.
I am not there yet, this is one of those life long journeys, but I feel I now have a deeper understanding of my inner workings, my strengths and things to look out for along the way. Enneagram still has depths to plumb and I hope to grow more an more from this, but it is so good to know that this journey wasn’t without guidance.
Next steps are Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and if I can find the info Spiral Dynamics.
In finishing I would like to offer huge thanks to all at Personality Hacker and the Intuitive Awakening group on Facebook. These people offer so much to the world; they are like the locksmith on The Matrix handing you keys to your own self. Without them I would have been blundering around never learning anything.
Thank you for the many penny drop moments you have triggered along the way.